"Sometimes a person needs to try dying to know that’s not really what they want."
You know how you sometimes read things and they bring back a flood of memories? I went so long in my life without sharing anything with anyone, and that quote above is just really… Idk. It took me back, that’s for sure.
It took me back a little over 3 years ago. That was the last time I tried to kill myself. I think of where I was then and where I am now, and I sometimes wonder how I’ve made it this far. Haha, actually, I always wonder that, because only a few months ago, I was in one of the most fucked up mentalities I’ve ever been in. I thought I was going to try it again. I got so close on more than one occasion, and I was going to take the quickest way out that was available to me. It was fucking scary…
The reason that quote struck me so hard is because, those few years ago, I tried to overdose. I felt it working. I couldn’t stop throwing up. I felt the life slowly leaving my body, and something in me decided it wasn’t time for me to go. I then called my mom and told her what I’d done (I was all the way in CO, away for college). I drove myself to the hospital and they forced me to tell them what I was trying to do when I said, “I took too many aspirin.” Because really, who takes too many pills without a certain intention?
Suicide was always an issue for me. That time though… knowing it was actually going to work that time and the fear that put into me changed my life forever. I wouldn’t be here right now if I did things a little differently.
I don’t even know what the point of this post is anymore. It was just something I felt like sharing, because overcoming your demons is something we’re all capable of. It’s the hardest thing in the world to believe in that, and even more difficult to remind yourself of it when things get tough. I’ve reached the bottom many times before, and now I’m more well-off than I’ve ever been. If I can do it, anyone can.
It’s just unfortunate that you really do have to see that you are going to die in order for you to realize it’s not what you want. Not at all. Even more unfortunate is that not everyone lives to tell their tale like I’m able to right now. :(